All I Need to Know
by Misty Waters
Summary: A look inside Cosmo's diary shows how his adultery haunts him, how far he would go for the love of his wife, and what his first fling with the lusty Tooth Fairy was like. Warnings: a bit of homosexuality and Cosmo caused randomness. CW mostly.
1. Is Wanda Mad?

Title: All I Need to Know

Author: Misty Waters

Fandom: The Fairly Odd Parents

Pairing: Wanda/Cosmo, Tooth Fairy/Cosmo, OC/Cosmo

Rating: M for language, sexuality, non con sex scene, and a dash of homosexuality

Disclaimer: In my reality, I own everything, even the recipe for the Hurts Donut and Humble Pie, and that star next to the Big Dipper that no one can see because I painted it black. But even in this beautiful (though slightly creepy) universe, I do not own the show the Fairly Odd Parents.

Summary: A look in Cosmo's diary shows what he thinks about Wanda, his adultery, the Tooth Fairy, and cheese.

I'm an idiot. I can't take care of myself. I never know the right or even the not so wrong thing to do or say at serious times. And every time is not a serious time to me.

So many people get mad at me. Jorgen always tells me he wants to destroy my "puny" body in one way or another. In public, he goes on and on, like he's trying to show everyone around how big and mean he is. But in private (and I try to never be "in private" with Jorgen!) he's not so creative. He'll just choke me or toss me into a wall or shake me, and if he has to talk, it'll be in a bored voice and with little words.

I actually don't hate him. I've seen him nice before, even to me.

But anyway, I'm not talking about him. I'm talking, or actually writing (Jorgen made you, Diary! And he put the sparkles on your pages himself, too. He said he only gave it to me so I could write my "asinine" –whatever that means, Wanda won't tell me—thoughts down instead of "burdening" –boy he sure likes big words!— the world with them) about Wanda. She's my wife.

She doesn't think I'm stupid. She knows. She's watched me ruin things she loved because I sometimes get words like "monster" and "rare cornucopia museum" mixed up. She yells at me when I ask a cute girl out on a date, and she whacks me when I embarrass her in public—a lot.

But she also cries when I get really hurt and gets herself into trouble by getting me out of it. She stays up all night to wait for me and pretends not to notice that my shirt is on backwards, my fly is down, my tie is draped, undone, around my neck, my breath is alkaline, and my body is drenched in the smell of really expensive perfume. But I know she knows. You wanna know how I know she knows? Because one night, when I went to the bathroom, I peeked out and saw her still standing in the living room, with her head down, shoulders shaking. When I fixed myself up and went out to her, we both had blink really hard to kill the tears.

That night, as I ate the cheese soufflé, the fried cheeseballs, and drank my cheese tea (o god I love cheese! Hold on, Diary; I'll be right back!)

Ok I'm back, and full of cheese! Hmmm, that reminds me of what the Tooth Fairy told me when I said her shorts make her look fat but in a good way. Only she didn't say cheese.

Anyway, lemme read where I was. O ya! So at that dinner I watched Wanda and we were both so quiet. I remembered how mad I was at her when I saw her kissing that stupid, sexy Juandissimo. I went to my Mamma's house for a week for that. But this time I was the cheater, and she didn't do anything!

Now I have to tell you about the first time I was with the Tooth Fairy. This is a funny story, actually, though maybe not as funny as shoving monkeys in a barrel. I still fail to see what could be more fun than that.

It was soon after me and Wanda started dating. I was obsessed with her (I don't think that feeling ever goes away). We had talked about all kinds of jobs, including being god parents, and she had found a really cool job making wands. She loves smart stuff like that. She had to go to a special class for it, and she had lots of friends that were smart like her. She was having so much fun without me that I got jealous. I wanted to go with her, but when I asked her she laughed for three hours straight. She stopped then to gasp a few times and borrow an inhaler from the fairy who was staring at her (the whole time I might angrily add) to "replace her oxygen," as she said. And by then I was crying, partly because I could never go if she didn't let me, and because she really hurt my feelings, and also because I just remembered that I forgot to feed Snowball, my three headed hydra, so he might have run away again. Instead of wiping away my tears and holding me (like she always does when I cry), she laughed again.

I left for the school. I wanted to make myself smart fast so I could pass the entrance exam and make her regret laughing at me. She would talk about the school so much at nights, I had memorized the paths and turns to the library, and on the way, the number of bumps on the stucco walls, and the latitude and longitude (I had my compass) to the best book an idiot (yay! That's me!) could get smart fast with.

I guess my mind was wandering, because when I tried to turn the page, suddenly I was surrounded by a smoky heap of rubble that used to be the whole school.

I was freaking out so bad I couldn't talk even when Jorgen came and yelled at me.

But who defended me in Fairy Court? Wanda. Who visited me in Jorgen's little jail for Those-Too-Stupid-To-Go-To-Real-Jail-But-Should-Take-A-Break-From-Society jail for the whole month I was there? Wanda. And who got me a new wand when I got out? Monkey. I mean, Wanda.

And even though she yelled at me a lot for ruining her dreams, she forgave me. And she was the only fairy who did. Even I didn't. I was scared that I would do something like that without even realizing, out of anger. I was sad for Wanda, and shamed at myself for my jealousy. I hated myself and thought about flying myself into the star of our world's giant wand power supply. But then I realized that Wanda would cry and blame herself (women always do that when men kill themselves), and the point was to NOT hurt her anymore.

So I did the next best thing. I left her.


	2. The Tooth Fairy

I wrote her a mean letter so she'd hate me and not herself, and taped it to her forehead (so she'd find it) while she was sleeping. I left with a bag of cookies (food), a switchblade (protection), and Bobo, my favorite undead monkey doll (company). After about forever of thinking and flying at the same time (I had to sit down a lot) I got to the Tooth Fairy's house.

When she came to the door I accidentally broke into crumbly pieces by knocking too hard, she saw a wet, droopy, dirty fairy with soggy cookies and his hair in his face. I tried to smile, but she screamed and ran back inside. I was still there when she came back the next day, so she took me in.

She wasn't scared anymore. "Cosmo, is it?" she said without looking at me. She remembered my name!

"So what do you want? A job? Because I'm not…"

"I love you!" I said.

She looked at me real funny, and when she smiled, I worried she'd laugh. But she only shook her head and grabbed my hand. Her hand was soft, but I jumped like it was covered in blood.

"O, so it's sex you want," she said in that voice Juandissimo always used with Wanda, and she pulled me against her breasts. As she made a comb appear and put it in my hair, she cooed into my ear, "For anyone else I'd get out my pepper spray, but this changes everything! O, I was waiting for this!"

And she started kissing me so hard and squeezing the breath out of me. I laughed when she licked my neck because it tickled, and she looked at me funny again. With that look still on her face, she said, "take off your clothes, weirdo." And then she took her shirt off!

I sputtered a bit, as if I were cold (which is weird because I wasn't!), unable to take my eyes off those breasts. They were like the ones on those shows my Mamma never lets me watch. "Uh, are we going to take a shower?"

She stared at me and looked really mad, but then sparkled with a huge grin. "That's a great idea!"

I knew I needed it, but she looked way too clean to get one too. Anyway, I got in the shower she made for me, but before I could complain about the lack of bath toys, she got in with me!

"Sorry, I'm in here!"

She laughed and grabbed me.

I pulled away. "I'm dirty!" I said.

"So am I!"

I was about to say she wasn't, when she kissed my mouth and touched me places no one else had before then. Even when I tried to fight her off, she didn't stop—in fact she thought it was funny and she clung to me tighter. Her fingernails were digging so deep into my skin, too. Then she pressed her body against mine and rubbed it, the way I would Wanda's shoulders.

"Come on, fairy, let's see what you got," she said when she grabbed me…down there.

That was going too far, I thought, so I pushed her so hard she slammed on the back wall and slipped and fell again when she tried to get up.

I put a towel around myself and felt my eyes bulge with tears. I sat on her couch to rub the blood away from the tiny cuts on my shoulders and back.

She was mad when she came out, and wow she looked really scary! "What fuck's wrong with you?" She yelled.

"What's wrong with you?" I yelled back. "You're not supposed to touch me there! Why do you think we wear clothes?"

Then she got quiet and I think she was thinking. "O my god, you're a virgin!"

"Am not!" Then I thought.Andfailed. "Uh, what's that?"

"Wow, some girlfriend you have!"

And then I remembered why I came there. "I don't have a girlfriend." I sat down, and she held my shoulders.

"What about Wanda?" Her eyes got big. "You left her! For me?"

I didn't want any pepper spray in my eyes so I nodded, trying so hard not to cry in front of her. I could cry in front of anyone, even Jorgen (especially him—he's so scary!) but I didn't want HER to see it.

"O sweetie! What a smart thing to do!"

"Really? I never do smart things!"

"So I've gathered. But this time, you've hit genius level!"

I smiled, feeling good to be called smart for once. Butit was thinking about Wanda that gave me the strength to lie down under this other woman and let her take my towel off.

I had to make her my girlfriend, to save Wanda from me, so that meant I had to do whatever this new girl said.

Everything she did to me she explained, and even what certain things were for. I knew my Mamma had told me about this a few days before, but at the time I was too interested in the puppets to listen.

"And this is where the magic happens," she said as she slid into me, or actually, me into her. She giggled when I gasped and held her tightly by the arms. "So babies really are made by magic!" I squeaked.

I couldn't decide if it felt really, really good, or if it was the deepest pain I'd ever felt, but I didn't want her to stop.

Then I thought I was hurting her when she started yelling and sweating and thrashing on top of me. "Are you ok?"

She heaved, "Ok? Ok! O, Cosmo, Wanda has no idea what she's missing!"

I didn't understand her, but the sound of my love's name hurt me more than the sex did. But instead of curling into a ball and bawling, I roughly flipped the girl on her back and did the magic on her. She yelled louder and pulled at my hair, my arms, my hips, anything she could, but didn't care then if I killed her. I felt like someone else as I fucked (a word I had always heard before but finally learned that morning) her. I could barely see her through the tears in my eyes.

Then she shoved me off and got on her hands and knees. When I just stared at her, she pulled me into position and I fucked her again. Wow, Diary, I really felt like a man then, and that's saying something!

It started to feel like pain again, but I didn't stop even thought with every stroke it got worse. Finally I felt like I exploded down there and we both fell down in a tangled heap on her shiny tiles.

I couldn't breath for a minute. When I saw the mess I had made on her floor and on her, I ran for towels felt so embarrassed. "I'm so sorry," I said a thousand times (really, I counted), but she said sweetly, "It's ok, Cosmo. It's normal. That," she pointed at the mess. "Is the magic that makes babies."

Then she poofed it away and held me. "Wow, honey. That was unbelievable! I'm totally keeping you!" But when she kissed my neck, I didn't laugh.

I stayed there a few weeks. We didn't do much at all except sex because she was always working, and when I tried to talk, she told me to shut up.

She brought friends over one night. They were all so pretty, I felt like I did whenever the Tooth Fairy undressed me.

"We're going to have a party tonight," she said, "and you're the guest of honor!"

Before I could ask what that meant, the girls attacked me. I won't tell everything we did, because it all happened so fast and I was confused, but I knew I had just given each of those girls a baby.

And then a guy came in and kissed the Tooth Fairy. I couldn't help feeling a little jealous, even though I didn't feel like she was my girlfriend, so I pouted. She said awwww to me and told the man to kiss me. And he did. But that's not all he did.

With all the girls watching and squealing, the guy pushed me under him and did to me what I would do to the Tooth Fairy. And just as hard.

This time I knew it was pain I was feeling, and lots of it. It felt really good when he touched and kissed me, but I still wished he would stop fucking me. He and the girls laughed when I tried to get away and ignored my screams, but what hurt me the most was that the Tooth Fairy, my fake girlfriend, just sat and watched, smiling softly, drinking from a bottle as I begged her to help me. The guy shut me up with kisses and finally stopped. I saw the mess he made on me and the floor, and that some of it was mine. Some of it was also blood.

"O my god," I said as I sat up. "Now I'm gonna get pregnant!" I was deafened by the laughs that got.

Wow, I really wanted to be held right then, but when anyone there tried to touch me, I pushed them away. I wanted to fly off in a huff, but just moving hurt too much. The next morning all I could think about was how happy Wanda must been without me. She would have fixed the wand school and graduated, have found a boyfriend to fuck her, and had a new, good life. And though that thought was a good one, it hurt so much. For once, I wished I could stop thinking.

"You're not mad about last night, are you?" asked the Tooth Fairy.

"You're my girlfriend now; I have to do what you want," I said.

She just said "whatever" and left for a tooth.

I stayed a bit more, and had to be in more parties, but wanted so, so bad to go home to my girlfriend. But I knew that I would just hurt her again, so I didn't.

One night the Tooth Fairy made that decision for me. When her boyfriend was too rough on me, and made me bleed and cry much more than normal, she looked scared. She said, "Cosmo, this isn't going to work out. You're just too…fragile! I mean, what if Abra kills you? Think of the trouble I'd be in! You've got to go."

I wanted to strangle her, but I just said, "Why can't you just keep him away from me?"

"No, I thought about that, but Abra wouldn't like that. You'd really better just go." And she gave me my monkey and my knife and pushed me out the door.

If she would have seen me crying on her doorstop, she would have thought it was over her. But it was over the thought of having to break Wanda's heart again.


	3. The Power of Love

I had to get up. I passed my Mamma's house, but knew she'd ask me how I was, and I always tell her way too much. She'd lock me in my room for a year if she had found out what I did! I passed the giant wand and flew real close. I was so close for so long the heat coming from it made me sweat and feel faint. I thought if I focused hard enough on my problems, I would have the guts to jump, but that only made me fly (I felt more like I was tumbling) very quickly away. I kept beating my tiny wings that fast and hard till I fell out of the sky I was so tired.

Then Jorgen found me with pigeons sitting all over me. I didn't cower or tremble or cry when he yelled at me, so he stopped and picked me up. He stared for a long time and said, "You better get home before you hurt your puny self, puny fairy."

"I'm not going home. I left Wanda, and I'm not going back!"

"What? Why did you do this thing?"

I told him everything, unable to stop myself. It felt good to get it out, and that someone would actually care. I was sitting on his arm, so at the end of the story I leaned on his shoulder and cried all over it.

"Wow! I've GOT to go to one of that girl's parties!" he said, and then he held me in his hands. "You are ridiculously lucky to have had that incredibly sexy experience, and yet my big, muscular heart weeps." He lifted my chin up to look at his eyes. "Cosmo, I have seen Wanda, and she is not happy. Though I could never understand how this could possibly be so, she is completely miserable without you."

"She is?" I was so happy that she was not. "But she'd tell me to buzz off if she knew about…"

He put a hand on my mouth. "She must never find out! 1, she wouldn't believe you, and 2, if she did, she would be furious! Dammit, you imbecile, you must go to your puny girlfriend right now! You have exactly one hour to make things right between you two before I pound your tiny, insignificant existence into the mud!" And then he brought me behind his head and threw me far away.

I landed on Wanda. I was too dazed to move, but she picked me up and squeezed me so hard I almost fainted. And then she cried so hard, mumbling my name, that I cried too. She poofed us back home when too many fairies were looking at us. I held her, burying my face on her chest like I always did I was very sad.

"I read your note, honey, but did you really expect me to believe it?" She laughed and sniffed at the same time. "I mean, come on! You don't even LIKE taffy!" She held my head and stroked it. "O, sweetie, what happened? What was so bad that you had to leave home?" Then she looked at me hard. "Did you go to your mother?"

"O Wanda!" I wailed. "I ruined your school and your whole life! I'm so stupid, and I destroy things and hurt you when I'm not even trying!" I sniffed and said, "Even you know it! You told our neighbors I was the "bane of your existence." I'm not sure what that means, but you sounded mad when you said it!"

"Hehe, well actually, sometimes you are, but that doesn't mean you're not also the light of it!" And she hugged me.

A while later she asked me where I had gone. I at first tried to lie, telling her about the magical world of the Mushroom City with beds and couches made of toadstools (which actually exists, but only I know that, O, and you too, Diary), but she glared at me. She is way too smart sometimes.

So I told her the truth. All of it, and then added, "I had lots of girlfriends, and even a boyfriend! I didn't like it though, because I always missed you."

She just looked at me for a while. "Well, at least you're honest with me, and hopefully by now you have gotten that uppity cunt out of your system."

I grabbed her before she could leave and said, "I learned something at her house that I want to show you."

"O ya?"

"Let's get a shower."

So that's the funny story. You know, it actually isn't so funny. I feel sad just thinking about it! And she was really mad, though not at me.

So maybe that's why she doesn't say anything when she doesn't see me cheat, but knows anyway. I don't know why I do it; it's so easy to forget her and the whole world when I look at a pretty girl. And it's so easy to do what I want with them. They don't nag me or ask me things, but act like our "date" is something special, and all they want to do is make me happy. And I don't love any of them so I don't have to behave or feel…you know, Diary, I really can't tell you about this! I can feel all the reasons inside, the way I feel a burrito that really wants to get out of my tummy, but I just can't explain it. Maybe I'm not the only fairy in the world who doesn't understand why he cheats on his wife. Then again, I am the only fairy who has such a hard time understanding things.

And you know those girls never turn me down. In fact, many will come after me. And if I say no, they pump me so full of Sprite Ale (those sprites are harsh bastards!) that when I finally come to, it's in another girl's or boy's bed.

But Wanda doesn't let me hit on girls when she's around. The next time I saw the Tooth Fairy was at a Fairy Convention and Wanda was there. The Tooth Fairy stroked my hair and I saw little hearts dance in front of me. She kissed me and I kissed back as Wanda came looking for me. The Tooth Fairy laughed when Wanda threw me to the ground and wand whipped me till I pleaded for her to stop.

"So once isn't enough for you, is it?" she screeched with tears in her eyes. I didn't get up, so she lifted me, only to throw me back down.

"Ow! I fell on my wand!"

"You'll fall on more than…"

Then T.F. laughed, and Wanda charged her. "You want some of this, whore?" T.F. very intelligently took her bag of convention souvenirs and flew away.

Then Wanda came back to me and poofed us home, where she paced the room, calling me all sorts of names like "slut" and "asshole" and other stuff I couldn't understand, but didn't dare ask her what they meant. Wow, she was scary. And you know what? That made her REALLY hot. So I grinned as I watched her, giggling a bit. She got really mad. "O, so you think this is funny, do you? Well, I'll show you funny!" But what she did was not funny. It hurt. A lot. By the time she was done "beating me within an inch of my life," as she called it, our house was a mess with stuff knocked over and broken. And I had blood down my shirt and in my hair and stuff.

And you know what else? I like it when she attacks me. Because then I know that's getting the hurt out of her mind, and by the time I'm sleeping in my own blood on the floor, Wanda has forgotten all about it. And she always takes me to the hospital and stays with me and reads me jokes and brings me candy. She treats me so well the next few days, too. I know she'd never kill me. Er, I hope, I mean.

One time when she carried me into the ER after she found me eating an olive out of Kitty Kadaver(the human magician's wife)'s belly button, the nurse asked what happened.

"I fell!"

"You're a fairy, how can you fall?"

And then Wanda, always the smart girl, said that I insulted her cooking. And the nurse got out of her way and from then on no one ever bothers us there.

But it's bad when she acts like I'm innocent and is quiet and sad because I hurt her really bad. That's when I think about that giant wand. And now that I'm her husband and not just a boyfriend, andshe can't just leave at any time, it's much worse. She beats me less and less. Ignores me more and more. If she didn't still love me, she would have divorced me; that's what everyone says anyway. So it's really all my fault.

But you know, Diary, that's what makes her so special. She will always forgive me and take me as I am, cheating and destroying and all. It's like we love each other so much we couldn't split up if we wanted to. And sometimes we do.

Maybe I should tell her what I did tonight, Diary. About Denise and her elfen half sister. That the purple smudge on my collar isn't wine jelly that only exists in a restaurant that closed tonight and then burned down but while no one was watching, so not it's not on the news. Maybe I should tell her it's Debbie's lipstick, the same shade she wears only when she goes out with me because I told her one night thatit made her lips look as sweet as they tasted. Maybe I should tell her that I wasn't really stuck in the line at the jewelry store--which had magically run out of the exact earrings she wanted--on her birthday, but was doing stuff in the closet with my wand and the lady that does Wanda's hair on special days like that one, and that when I say wand, I don't mean the one with the star on it. And that I gave her the coupon for a free haircut, manicure, and wing shining that I had bought for Wanda, even though we both knew that as an employee, the girl could have all that for free. And I should tell her that the lingerie I ended up getting her as a present that day was on the girl who worked at the Victoria Can't Keep a Secret store, when I fucked her in the lady's room because she said my eyes were pretty.

Wow, Diary! And that's just one day! I think she'd have a long talk with the giant wand if I told her about all the times I've betrayed her. You know, I really think I hate myself. Ooops! Sorry, Diary, I just cried on you.

Well, Diary, should I tell her? Should I? Why don't you talk to me! I thought you were magic!

Fine. Be that way.

O Diary! I could never leave you! I'm so sorry! Can we be friends again? I'll take your silence as a yes! O goody.

While I was gone I was with Wanda. I stopped her from doing the taxes to sit on her lap and rest my head on her breasts. They are so soft, Diary. I held her tightly around the waist and made small wet stops on her shirt while she petted my head. I shivered just a little when she kissed me up there. I felt so warm, the heat from her body like a blanket against the freezing cold everywhere else but in her embrace. Her arms tight around me felt like a womb, and I never wanted to leave.

She lifted my head to her face and said, "What's wrong, honey?"

I put my head against her neck. "Me. I'm so flippin' stupid!"

"O, come on, don't be…"

I looked at her, and I guess I looked so serious, she got scared. "Yes, I am. I'm stupid to do bad things to you when you never do anything bad to me." I looked down. "I embarrass you. I don't listen to you. I let Timmy ignore you and grant his dumbest wishes whenever you tell me not to. And I lie to you, and cheat on you so much." I then looked up carefully, but she didn't get mad, just sad. O how I needed her to get glad!

She sighed. "I know. You really are the worst liar in Fairy World, sweetie."

"But if you know…why do you pretend to not know?"

Here she smiled and held my face in her hands. "Because you always come back to me, and that you have a lot of psychological problems even nagging and beating won't fix." She frowned at the wall. "Personally I blame your mother." She looked back at me, her eyes soft. "And you know that if I catch you in the act, I'll smash you into next month!"

I laughed. Those hands that could hurt so much were snug and soft on my cheeks. I really wouldn't care what they did as long as they were on me.

We kissed and she said something about therapy and stuff—I don't know, she used a lot of big words, and I was distracted by how nice her shirt looked on her.

Well, Diary. I think it will be ok. With this new "therapy" for bad husbands like me, as taught by our very own Jorgen (owch!), I still manage to make my wife cry.But I still know how to make her laugh, and what secret words to whisper in her ear to make her kiss me.I still know what all other men don't about how to be so cute and precious to her that she never looks at anyone else for long. I can still make her squeal when I tickle her in that very secret spot that no one else knows about, and I can still make her blush when I mention bowling balls--because the first time we were caught making out in public, we were behind the pins, and a bowling ball hit Wanda on her butt and made her yell. I won't ever forget these little secrets that keep us together. Those things are like magic words that make everything right again when I really mess up. So, no thanks to that stupid therapy class, even if Wanda is sobbing on the couch, talking to her best friend on the phone about what a horrible husband I am, I have learned from all these years how to go over there, what to touch, and what to say to make her throw away the phone and throw her arms around me.

So as much as I stay awake at night, thinking about the bad things I do, at least I can turn to my wife and kiss her till I fall asleep.

I know I'm stupid. I get confused by stop signs and cooking oatmeal. I have to be told to come in out of a lightning storm and to not stare at the open end of a gun to make sure it's loaded. Puffy stickers freak me out. But I'll always know very well what a gift I have with Wanda, and even though I can't understand how she could love me, my love for her is the only understanding I need. And for that, in the face of my constant girl catching and building demolishing, she will never again let me go. That's all I'll ever need to know.


End file.
